To have or form a team, there must be a relationship built between the members. The dictionary definition of team is, “several persons associated together in work or activity: such as a group on one side (as in football or a debate), a crew or gang, two or more draft animals harnessed to the same vehicle or implement. Of or performed by a team, a team effort, or marked by devotion to teamwork rather than individual achievement. To yoke or join in a team, to put together in a coordinated ensemble, to convey or haul with a team, to form a team or association, join forces or efforts, often used with up or to drive a team or motortruck.” We can note readily, that as they say there is no ‘I’ in team, neither the letter, nor the attitude and action of self-promotion, self-propagation, or self-gratification. A team consists of more than one participant, and this should be kept in the forefront of our minds as we try to navigate this thing called life. Romans 14:7-9 tells us from the get-go to stop judging one another, because simply put, “For none of us lives to himself, and no man dies to himself. For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord’s. For to this end Christ both died, and rose, and revived, that he might be Lord both of the dead and living.” We cannot make it through this life alone. Firstly, we need the Lord desperately, and secondly, we need each other.
I was privileged to take part in a conference at the beginning of this year through my employment where they had Esther Perel as one of the keynote speakers. She was addressing the concept of teams. The struggles and challenges that working as a team can present, as well as the advantages and rewards that they can provide in any given group scenario. I was not familiar with her before this time, however, through a mini search, I have found out a little about her. She is a psychotherapist, a Belgian-American raised in Antwerp, who later moved to New York for her graduate studies. She is known for her extensive work on human behavior and relationships and has a background in educational psychology and linguistics. She is the author of ‘Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence,’ which has been translated into twenty-four languages. I have not personally read it, since my only knowledge of her came from the conference experience; however, it is said that her book is what propelled her career forward. The trusty rusty internet states of her, “After publishing the book, she became an international advisor on sex and relationships. She has given two TED talks, hosts two podcasts, hosts a class with Master Class, runs a series of therapy training / supervision events, and launched a card game. She still lives in New York, running a therapy practice and acting as a corporate consultant.” Quite a resumé.
Writing about relationships we see many helpful pieces of advice from Esther Perel and others in in her field who share her passion, like “Harmony, disharmony, and repair are the underlying theme to all fights about stuff” and “In power and control, closeness and care, respect and recognition are the cycle of life in relationships.” Harmony is hopefully the norm and should be the lion’s share of any given time spent in a relationship. Next the inevitable is disharmony or discord, but the hopes are that this will represent the least amount of time. The time spent will depend on those who have clashed and have had a disagreement, and who are not happy in the relationship for one reason or another. The last part of the cycle leading back to harmony is repair, a time spent looking for answers and solutions. If two people or a group of people involved in a relationship are not willing to take time to repair, then getting from disharmony back to harmony will not be achievable. It will be impossible to get back to an amiable relationship, whether it is parents with children, siblings, spouses, employees with one another or with employers, community leaders, or politicians with constituents, etc., if they are stubborn and unwilling to budge and are uncooperative in the repairing process. Life has its ebb and flow and if we can learn from those who have studied human nature for a living, we will be further along in living a fulfilled, harmonious life together.
If all that you have in your relationship is disharmony, you really have no basis to call it a relationship. If you are stuck in a rut of constantly trying to repair and never finding your way back to harmony with someone, it may not be a viable option to continue pursuing. They say the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing repeatedly, expecting a different result. Therefore, you need to either try something different to see if harmony can be achieved or you may need to walk away from the person, entity, or group because there has been a breakdown in the ‘teamwork’ concept. Looking back at what Esther Perel stated that this cycle always exists and is the underlying cause in relation to fights about ‘stuff.’ The dictionary definition of stuff is, “materials, supplies, or equipment used in various activities, such as, obsolete military baggage, material to be manufactured, wrought, or used in construction, a finished textile suitable for clothing, an unspecified material substance or aggregate of matter, something (as a drug or food) consumed or introduced into the body by humans, a group or scattering of miscellaneous objects or articles, nonphysical unspecified material, fundamental material, substance the stuff of greatness, subject matter, special knowledge or capability, spin imparted to a thrown or hit ball to make it curve or change course, the movement of a baseball pitch out of its apparent line of flight : the liveliness of a pitch.”
As we see here, ‘stuff’ can literally be anything that you are not wanting to numerate individually at the time, or it could be such a combination of things that you just refer to all of it as stuff; however, though it can be used in an abstract way on occasion, it is usually referring to things, material possessions, or worldly goods. At any given time, everyone could have a different definition of what stuff is to them. No matter what is being referred to, the principle still applies. The first sign of issues that come in a relationship because of the struggle for power and control is due to stuff. It is in human nature to want to be the boss over someone or something outside of ourselves. Having a purpose in life is a part of our enate makeup from our Creator and is a good thing, that we can take too far when we forget that we are all on the same team. Having the feeling of being out of control in any given situation is often a terrifying thought. This can cause anxiety which can show up in unintentional retaliation to those closest to you. Acknowledging that those around you may also have talents and ideas, and that you are on the same team, and not in competition against one another, can be daunting and intimidating because you must trust the other party. Lashing out is often an unsolicited response of one trying to cope and shows they are overwhelmed and there is probably a deeper, underlying cause of the frustration that the bystanders are seeing.
My husband and I were voted in as pastor to a church that we had become a part of when it was just a small group meeting in a lady’s living room. We established the church, helped decide on a name, got the Articles of Incorporation written, registered, and recognized by the state we were in, and by the IRS as a non-profit organization. We set up an executive board and a board of trustees, acquired property, with two buildings on it, renovated the sanctuary and fellowship hall as well as furnished the buildings. We then began services, teaching and preaching in the new location, formed a ministry leadership group to teach and have activities for the ladies, men, youth, and Sunday School departments, etc. While we led them through all these processes and set the congregation up for success, we involved them all in the process as well. Everything mentioned above was voted on and discussed with them before going forward. Board meetings and business meetings were held regularly, and there was complete transparency in all ministry and business matters. However, when it came time for the trustees to be voted on because the term limits set forth in the Articles of Incorporation had expired, they all seemed so surprised and shocked that this was a thing. They did not want to give up their spots, because they had signed as trustees for the property and had gotten used to being in a position of ‘power and control.’ They began to feel the anxiety of having to relinquish control over what they had held on so tightly to for the two year term period.
Their lack of understanding sent them into a spiraling state, and they lost all reason and rationality. A non-profit organization, especially a church, is not meant to be run by a board, but all the members should have a voice. They were under the impression that the building belonged to them, and not God. This is a dangerous place to be in. Contention and disharmony came about because of strife over having ‘power and control’ over ‘stuff,’ aka possessions. Greed began to breed discord and discontent within the church. There were meetings and discussions for months, with my husband, the Pastor, at the helm, trying to repair the disharmony and find solutions to the issues. In an endeavor to bring harmony back into the equation, he tried to get them to understand the business workings of a church institution, but to no avail. He then sought to allow compromise and allow the bylaws to be changed to bring peace, with one exception. The ‘Statement of Faith’ portion of the Articles which set forth what we believed as a congregation and governed what was taught, included the scriptural references, which cannot to be changed, because the word of God is not negotiable or changeable. He stated that he would resign his position as Pastor if they changed that section of the document. My husband went through an extreme amount of grief and stress during those months, but they finally agreed to these conditions. He was very hopeful that the repairs were done and the beginning of a new cycle of harmony was forthcoming.
A business meeting was called, and the time came for the newly changed articles to be presented. It was later found that the board members had been campaigning for members and non-members of the congregation to come and vote in favor of the new bylaws without the constituents even having an opportunity to read them or know what the changes were. When the articles were presented, low and behold, they had changed the very section that had been discussed as being taboo. Much to the shock of the congregation, who had not been told the truth and had been falsely recruited to vote affirmatively, that was our last night there, my husband resigned as Pastor that night. We had not given them any cause in the past to not believe that we would not keep our word, that we did not have integrity or a backbone, but they were astonished. The struggle for power and control can make people blinded to what may be best for the whole. They forget that it is a team effort. In this case, they failed to see that this was the Kingdom of God, not their personal dynasty that they were building. The circle of relationship did not come full circle, and disharmony remained because they did not want a solution. Stemming from greed, their only concern was to keep what they perceived to be power and control.
Secondly, an underlying fact and cause of fights about ‘stuff’ is ‘closeness and care.’ People often fight for what is closest to them or what they care about the most. Harmony can be skipping along in a relationship in a home, in your work environment, or in a friendship, and someone can attack something or someone that is closest to you, that you really care about, and disharmony will be the result. It does not matter if it is an animate or inanimate object, people, or things, it just must be something that someone is enthusiastic about that comes under scrutiny. Everyone has a different view of what is important to them. Everyone prioritizes things differently, and discord and disharmony can be unexpected and blind side you. We must keep in mind that not everyone’s likes and dislikes are ours, and their priorities are not always our priorities. Not understanding others and being sensitive to how passionate someone might be about things can cause a chasm to form between those in a relationship.
A vase may get broken, and your wife may just fall apart, because it is a loss to her and deserves a grieving process in her opinion. It was broken because of someone’s negligence or foul play, and she is distraught. Downplaying the passions of others, having a linear view, and having the attitude of, “Oh, that is just stuff,’ and retorting other derogatory comments, can cause hearts to be broken, relationships to get severed, and disharmony to set in. The struggle she is having may not be the loss of the ‘stuff’ or the ‘vase’ in this instance, but the memory it holds. It could be an heirloom from a grandparent who is now deceased. It was near and dear to her heart, and the disharmony will not come from the brakeage itself, but because of your lack of understanding and compassion towards what was dear to her. What could have been a brief moment of grief will now be a struggle through a period of ‘repair’ to get back full circle to harmony in the relationship, because of your lack of sensitivity.
You have heard it said that siblings can fight like cats and dogs with one another, but if somebody else starts to mess with their brother or sister, they will come unglued. Though they may not agree about everything in life and all the choices that each has made in their lives, they are still blood. They are close and care for one another and will fight for one another. When we get degraded or talked about by our closest friends, a spouse, a child, or a sibling, it hurts much more than if it is a stranger that we can chalk their comments up to ignorance. A sure basis for repair in our relationships is repentance and forgiveness. These are gifts that are given to the offender and the one offended. God has extended to us the opportunity to repent for the wrongs we have done before him, and then he forgives us. He also instructs us to offer the same opportunity to others who have hurt us or who we have hurt. Matthew 3:8 says, “Bring forth therefore fruits meet for repentance.” Meaning, just do it, say you are sorry, and give the same grace to others that you would want them to extend to you as well. 2 Corinthians 7:9-10 states, “Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing. For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of but the sorrow of the world worketh death.” We are not to be sorry we got caught doing wrong or that we got called out for being a jerk, but a Godly sorrow of repentance leads us to change our ways and to bring harmony back into our relationships.
We must learn to pick our battles and when disappointments and hurts come, try to find a solution as soon as possible. We must not dwell in the state of disharmony, but only pass through it to repair on our way back to harmony once again. 2 Timothy 2:23-26 says, “But foolish and unlearned questions avoid, knowing that they do gender strife. And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, in meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.” Ephesians 4:32 tells us, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” This is how the Lord wants us to behave in all behavior towards others. If we do not forgive, Jesus said in Mark 11:25, “And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have anything against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” We do not want God to withhold forgiveness from us because our lack of forgiveness to others. It was not till Job prayed for others that God restored his home and possessions and blessed him double fold. Job 42:10 says, “And the Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also, the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.” What a positive impact prayer and forgiveness can have on our relationships! When we feel stuck in disharmony, we should consider this option.
Thirdly, in the cycle of relationships is respect and recognition. No matter the relationship or team you are in, no matter how intimate or casual it may be, people just want to be seen, acknowledged, and respected. It is said that respect is earned; and this is true in that you gain respect by showing others respect. You may not agree with everyone, but you can show basic human regard. When you are treated with rudeness and respond with respect despite it, the other party will be taken by surprise and feel the need to tone down their bad attitude. They will stop and contemplate for a moment when they realize that you have true integrity, and that you have at least recognized them with equality as a fellow human being. The dynamic of a relationship will dictate as to the interaction with the other, but they will all demand respect. For instance, the relationship between a child and a parent will be different to that between spouses, or between colleagues on your job. Everyone should remember their place and react accordingly.
A parent is not meant to be their child’s best friend, but a leader and a guide offering discipline and teaching, but there must still be a mutual respect. Though disagreements will happen, we can repair the disharmony quickly if we remember our place in the relationship. Being spouses is to form a partnership. You are on the same team and not in competition, but each one wants to be recognized for their contribution and respected as an adult, a partner, and a friend. You should be working together to reach mutual goals and walking hand in hand. Never let it be said that your spouse treated their coworkers better than they did you and visa versa. Keep harmony in your home by following the directives of 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 which tells us, “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profits me nothing. Charity suffers long and is kind; charity envies not; charity vaunts not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; Bears all things, believeth all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
In a co-worker relationship never let it be said that we got to the top by climbing over others. We must remember where we came from when we do achieve success. We can agree to disagree, but discussion should be something we are open to from everyone. We must not be contentious thinking that our way is the only way. Remember that you are on the same team, and that you cannot do it all alone. People want to know that you care, and learning to listen to them is the best way to show that you do. They do not need fanfare or a big party, just a pat on the back will often be the only thing they will need to exceed expectations in the workplace. A thank you and acknowledgment for the work they have done, for the breakfast your wife made, or for your kids who took out the trash, goes a long way to maintaining harmony in your relationships. Showing appreciation to others even for things that are expected of them in their position will keep them doing above and beyond in their job roles. A simple, “How are you this morning?” can make someone’s day.
Think before you choose to fight about ‘stuff.’ Is going from harmony to disharmony going to be worth proving you are right for a second. How long will the disharmony last and how long will you have to be in the ‘repair’ mode before getting back full circle to harmony, if ever. When trouble came into the camp because of the people making and worshipping the golden calf, this question had to be asked in Exodus 32:26 which says, “Then Moses stood in the gate of the camp, and said, who is on the Lord’s side?” We see Joshua having to challenge the people once again in Joshua 24:15, “And if it seems evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” An important question to ask when a disagreement arises is, “Are we in competition, or are we on the same team?” Even if you must ask this every day or stop and count to ten or one hundred before you speak, it will be worth it! Try it today, though we may have to pass the baton from time to time so we can regroup, we are still on the same team.